I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
