Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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