Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
