my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
