i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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