i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
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