Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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