just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
