Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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