At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
