Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
