Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
