Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
