when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
