Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
