I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
