I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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