I wish I only lived at night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
