he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
