I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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