even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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