Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
