I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
