Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
