your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
