he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
