shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
