I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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