Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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