what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
