we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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