My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
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My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
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Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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