Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
