I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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