Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
