Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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