Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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