Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
