I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
