1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
