In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
