I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
