I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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