She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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