mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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