I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
