Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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