Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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