How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
