and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
