My sheets look like a crime scene.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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