when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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