I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
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The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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