Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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