when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
