I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
