one two three fourrrrnication!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I can text with my tongue
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Found the puke drawer
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
