You smell like a Billy Joel song
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
